Wanting more
by kouw
Summary: AU warning! Elsie and Charles are married, but things are not going the way Elsie would like. Graphic in places. Experimental. From sparse to fluff. rated M because of the graphic content in the first chapter and the smut in the third now uploaded! .
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Well, it's been a good couple of days without writing and I decided to try something different, to experiment (again), so, here you have it: a fic that starts out really sparse and grows wordier as things progress (and get fluffier).

Apologies in advance to Ms. Loveunderlockandkey and to those who are not too fond of very graphic wordings.

Thanks to its-mrs-hughes and mellastar and osusprinks for beta-ing! (see how I asked THREE people to give all of this the once over? That is how insecure I am about this - reviews and comments are very much appreciated!)

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Chapter one  
**Wanting more than you can have**

She turned her head away from him as he pulled out of her. This had been their routine for years now and it had never bothered her before. She knew it was the only way they could be together without complications. Since a few weeks though, she had started to hold on to him as she could feel him spasm, but he was stronger than she was and he always managed to break loose from her, letting go of himself somewhere on her body or even in his hand, soiling his wedding ring.

He laid down beside her and covered them both with the covers. She still couldn't bear to look at him, fearing she would cry. He wrapped an arm around her waist and nuzzled her neck and she reached out to him, her arm at a slightly strange angle, to stroke his cheek.

"What's the matter?" his voice sounded raw around the edges, a consequence of him holding back his cries as he reached his climax.

"Nothing." she answered.

"Yes, there is."

"I can't tell you." she said, her voice wavering slightly.

"Can't you?" He pressed at her side, willing her to turn to him and she moved to her back. When she had started out at Downton, she had wondered why the Housekeeper had a double bed instead of a single, but she soon found out when she was promoted. She had fallen deeply in love with the Butler and he with her - just like their predecessors had before them.

"No."

"You might try." He coaxed her and she sighed deeply.

"I just wish you wouldn't pull away at the end, it makes me feel..." she trailed off.

"Feel what?"

"Lonely." she replied. And terribly, terribly sad. To have a husband, to share a life, but to feel so disconnected every time their lovemaking drew to an end was taking it out on her. She held her breath to steer her mind away from the other thing.

Of course he touched upon it. He would. "If I don't pull away..." He pushed himself up on his elbow. "... you know what might happen."

Elsie nodded. "Oh, I do. Better than anyone, I suppose."

They laid together in silence. The clock ticked away the minutes and Elsie swallowed hard to get rid of the tears that were running down her cheeks.

"Is that what you want?" he asked.

She nodded again.

"It will change things." He contemplated.

"Yes." She scraped her thoat. "I could talk to Her Ladyship."

He didn't say anything. Elsie heaved a disappointed sigh.

"Let's go to sleep, they will wake us early enough." Or at least there would be an early knock on the door and signal that Charles would have to go back to the male quarters - even if the servants were aware of their marriage, they needed to chaperone their charges.

She turned back to her side and pulled up her knees, curling up like a ball, wrapping her arms around herself.

She didn't sleep a wink.

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**A/N:** Like I said: a sparse first chapter. Tomorrow: chapter 2.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** I know many people think there is only rivalry between Mrs Hughes and Mrs Patmore, but I disagree: Elsie would never have comforted Beryl if they didn't like each other at all. Anyway, just wanted to clearify that. Also: Beryl Patmore doesn't get enough love in fanfiction, so I thought I'd bestow some on her!  
As always: reviews very welcome and we are getting into fluffier territory!

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**Chapter 2**

Finding comfort

After the knock, she went about her day in a haze. She was tired and disappointed. With every task she performed routinely, she felt as if there was a gaping hole where her heart used to be. Someone had filled it with needles and pins that stung her with every move she made. Beryl Patmore remarked that she had not had a single bite to eat as they all left the table after dinner.

"I'm not hungry."

"You must eat something." Beryl handed her a fresh bowl of stew. She sighed.

"I really can't." she said, but she sat down and picked up her spoon.

Beryl took her free hand in hers.

"Can't, or won't? You are not... sick... are you?" the cook asked gingerly.

She shook her head. A tear fell in the stew. They both pretended it didn't happen.

"Eat, petal."

She picked up her spoon and ate while the cook sat with her in companionable silence. She heard his footsteps come nearer, first down the stairs, then on the tiles in the hall and through the door. He sat down next to her.

She didn't look at him. His hand slid from his own leg to hers. She didn't shake him off. There was no point. They had had a disagreement about something neither could change. There simply wasn't a way a Butler and Housekeeper would live away from the house and there was no way a child could live in the servants' quarters.

At least that was what Charles thought, she knew.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

She shook her head. "No, but I will be, seeing as I have little choice."

Beryl gave Charles a pointed look and left the room.

"Is that how you feel?" He turned to her, trying to find her eyes. "Like you have no choice?"

She pushed around the leftover stew in her bowl.

"Yes."

"But it is what you really want?"

"Yes." More than anything, it is bigger than myself, I can't control this feeling, this longing.

"We could move away. I could get a different job. Maybe we could run a shop between us."

She looked up. Was he willing to give up all he had here? All he had worked for?

Their legacy, their comfort, their lives, only because she longed for more? His offer made her feel close to him, like she belonged with him. That there was nothing wrong with her wish, but is was inconvenient. Impossible.

"No, we couldn't. This is our home. We are part of Downton in a way we could never be part of anything else. I must simply try to pull myself together and learn to be content with what I do have, which is an awful lot." She put her hand on his and squeezed it softly.

"I have you, which is more than I dared to dream about."

"Maybe you could talk to Her Ladyship."

"Only if you are sure." Her heart leapt and hammered in her chest.

He leaned over and kissed her softly.

"I'm sure."

"So if Her Ladyship says it's alright..."

"Yes. Then..." And he smiled at her and her heart lurched. She got up from her seat and wrapped herself around him.

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**A/N:** What will Lady Grantham say? Do we find out? At least Charles and Elsie are no longer so far apart, which is all good in my book.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Ladies and gentlemen: the smut. Because we all need some in our lives.  
I want to thank everyone who has reviewed so far - I really appreciate you taking the time and effort!  
(This means i would love to hear what you thought of this little chapter!) Enjoy!

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chapter 3

**tangible love**

It had started at the dinner table, his hand had landed on her knee and somehow found its way to the crease of her upper thigh. When a napkin fell on the floor and she picked it up, he was right behind her, his desire against her bottom, stirring slightly. His hand on the side of her neck when she locked the door to her sitting room, then a kiss, a nip, his tongue tracing the vein there.

He had locked up quicker than he had ever done before and he had found her in their bedroom wearing nothing but her wedding ring, waiting impatiently for him. He had shed his clothes and she had pulled them into their bed, kissing him slowly, seducing him by running her fingers over his breastbone, his chest hair tickling her, and she slid her fingers further down, caressing his hipbones.

He had groaned when she had taken hold of him, sliding her palm up and down his length, pressing herself against his chest. His lips landed in her neck, sucking, nibbling, nipping. His strong hands took her bottom in a firm grip and he massaged her cheeks as she let go of him to embrace him, wanting as much skin to skin contact as possible.

With a hungry kiss he had pulled her with him so she laid beside him. He slid his hand up and down her sides, kissing her softly wherever he could and her skin felt alive under his administrations, flushing and tingling. She wrapped her arms around him and returned his kisses.

They were proper kisses, exploring, dancing, dueling. It wasn't enough, she wanted more, she needed him, she could feel he longed for her too, his member brushed against her thigh with every move they made. She reached for it, touching it again, hoping he would give her what she wanted, but instead of rolling her over and getting on top of her, he broke their kiss and made his way down, kissing her, licking her, biting a little, which made her release a shocked little cry.

Downwards and downwards he went until he did roll her over and she could feel his breath on the triangle of soft curls covering her modesty. He pried her legs apart and carefully opened her up, like a budding flower and with his mouth he made her squirm, her heart race, the tightening of her core delicious torture.

When he stopped, she whimpered. He quickly wiped his mouth on the bedsheet and came up from his crouched position and hovered over her. He lowered his head and whispered in her her ear as he exquisitely slowly entered her:

"How about we make that wish of yours come true tonight..."

She couldn't find the words, so she wrapped her legs around him, coaxing him in even further and buried her face in his chest as they moved together, their rhythm so familiar, their gasps and moans so expected and cherished.

Now they laid in the dark, side by side, his arm around her naked waist, her foot gently rubbing his shin. She marvelled at how strange and wonderful it had been that he hadn't pulled away but had stayed with her. How he had muffled her cries of ecstasy with his lips, how she had felt him spasm and how he had enveloped her and had drifted off to sleep and she was thinking if this could be the night.

The night it happened.

She laughed because she knew how silly she was. A good kind of silly. The silly you get after three glasses of wine at midnight at New Year's Eve and you let yourself get carried away by a tall, handsome, kind, loving and passionate Butler and let him touch you inappropriately in the courtyard while the others rattle and hit pots with wooden spoons to scare off the bad spirits.

It was all going to be alright. She sighed, kissed his cheek and turned in his arm, falling asleep in utter contentment.

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**A/N: **Well, how about it: sentimental smut. I never thought I had it in me (yes I am lying). Thank you for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **Thank you all so much for being so kind about the smut! You are stars and I love you.  
This next chapter is super short, so I will upload the next as well.

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chapter 4

**And you still panic**

"No, Beryl, really, I couldn't eat a thing..." She pushed her plate away. The other servants had all gone up to take care of their various tasks, while she had sat through the whole of breakfast, trying not to open her mouth, for if she did, she was sure she would lose whatever laid in her stomach.

She couldn't be sure.

Could just as well be a touch of flu.

But she knew it wasn't the flu. She knew it like she knew how to polish crystal. She knew like she knew the words to every Scottish folk song played on a fair. She knew like she knew the engravement on her wedding ring.

Apprehension took hold of her heart, squeezing it tightly, making her wonder if it was right what they had done. She had been very selfish, he had given in because she had manipulated him, even if she had spoken to her Ladyship and they had talked it through. She knew little about children and nothing about babies.

She would have to learn soon.

She picked up a piece of toast and buttered it while the front doorbell rang and Charles went up. A gnawing hunger made her take a bite and chew thoughtfully. Beryl moved from her usual seat to the chair next to Elsie's.

"Not hungry, eh?"

"I wasn't."

"Not feeling well?"

"Not really."

Beryl nodded with a bit of a smirk.

"I see." she said and Elsie looked up from her toast.

"Do you?"

"More importantly: does he?"

"I don't think he is sure."

Beryl also picked up a piece of toast. "What do you think they will say upstairs? What will they do?"

"I don't know. Her Ladyship told me it would be alright."

"She will talk to His Lordship. But be careful, Elsie." Beryl warned. "It's a big thing you are doing, a great responsibility you are carrying."

"I'll try." She answered. She took a last gulp of tea and went into her sitting room, taking her diary and leafing back through it.

There was no doubt she was with child.

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**A/N: **Huzzah! Even if RP!Elsie isn't, at least I managed to do it here!  
(I am uploading the next chapter! Don't worry! Please do review, this one or the next! MWAH!)


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **This will all go as you probably predicted - but I will never stop writing fluff and you all know it. (It's why you love me)  
So, as promised: two chapters in one go! Yayness!

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chapter 5

**growing**

"You shouldn't be doing that." He scolded her and took the heavy tea tray from her.

"I am not ill, nor an invalid." She retorted.

He put down the tray and turned to her. He reached out and put his hand on her belly. "I know you are not an invalid. We will not comment on your rushings to the privy at the most inopportune times."

She placed her hand over his. When she took off her corset at night, there would be a budding little bulge to caress and to cherish. "Lets not get into that, no." Having Charles' hand on her made the constant stream of butterflies flutter. She leaned in for a kiss when a young footman came around the corner and Charles took his hand away from her and they both turned to get back to work. She looked over her shoulder when she walked away and was rewarded with a happy smile.

While she went into her room and settled herself with the linen rota, she felt a little movement inside of her. Like a soap bubble popping and she sat bold upright. Her breath stuck in her throat and she didn't dare move, in case she would miss it if there would be another stirring.

A movement of their child.

Another popping bubble and she gasped. She needed to find Charles. They had said that if she felt the baby move, they would tell the staff. She had told her Ladyship as soon as the doctor had confirmed her suspicions and Elsie was rather surprised the woman had not given away the secret to her maid or anyone else in the household.

As she was going up and down stairs, in and out of rooms, her excitement grew and grew. She found the head housemaid and let her be in charge 'for an hour or so' and asked where the Butler was. Finally she found him as he was closing the front door behind the family leaving for a Saturday afternoon outing.

"Come!" She exclaimed and grabbed his hand. Together they went up to the attic rooms and entered their bedroom, where she took off her dress and loosened her corset.

"That's a bit eager, but I don't mind..." Charles' voice trailed off as his wife stood before him in her shift, the line of how it fell so different from four months ago. Her breasts were heavier already, the curve of her hips more pronounced, her belly softly protruding against the cotton. He swallowed hard.

"You are so beautiful..."

"Hardly." she replied. "Come here! Feel!" He went over and she pressed his palm against her shift.

"I felt him move! Or her."

She beamed a wide smile at him. "Now it is really true." She almost whispered. He embraced her carefully and she leaned against him, smelling his aftershave lotion, the pommade in his hair and the distinct smell of him. Since she was with child, her sense of smell stood on edge. She knew what Beryl was cooking from the first floor landing and sensed the difference in perfume the Dowager Countess was wearing. Charles' hand moved away from her belly, upwards to her midriff.

"What are you doing?"

"I can't feel the baby move, so I thought..." He kissed her neck.

"You'd move _me_ a bit..." she finished his sentence, tilting her head to grant him more access as she worked on the fastenings of his trousers.

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**A/N:** Whahey! Alas, no more smut. Sorry about that.  
Hope you are not too disappointed. After this there is only the epilogue/final chapter.  
Please do review, it is what I live for. (blackmail much?)


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:** The final chapter! Thank you all so much for encouraging me, it really means a lot to me.  
Trigger warning: Birth story. Nothing gorey though, no worries.

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**Chapter 6**

**going through it**

The doctor and nurse bustled around the room with great purpose, giving Charles orders. More water. More towels. She wished they would just stay still for a moment or two, giving her some time to compose herself. From the moment she had first missed her period, she had worried about the birth. So many women died from complications, so many children died of fevers, she wanted to scream: get this thing out of me! but she daren't. A wave of pain rippled through her belly and upper legs.

"Now, Mrs Carson, lets see how things are going. Mr Carson, could you please vacate the room?" The doctor sent Charles from their bedroom and Elsie yelled: "No! I need you here!", but the nurse pushed him out the door. "Please, Mrs Carson." was all she said and Elsie laid back in her pillows as the doctor lifted the sheet and examined her. "Oh. Well. Progressing very nicely, I should say. It won't be much longer before you will be ready to push."

A blind panic took hold of her. "But I don't know how!" she exclaimed, grasping the sheet.

The nurse gave her a small smile. "You'll find that you don't need to know anything."

The words had hardly left the nurse's mouth and Elsie felt as if she was being ripped apart and grunted with the pain. The nurse told her to roll to her side and helped her hold her leg bent and up.

"Alright, Mrs Carson, by the next pain, I want you to push as hard as you can. Really bear down." The doctor instructed and Elsie found the nurse was right. She was not in charge of her body at all anymore, it was much the other way around. As the next contraction hit her, she made a noise she did not know she was able to make, it sounded foreign to her own ears.

"Good. The baby is crowning. Not long now." The doctor encouraged her.

"Where is Charles?" Elsie panted, wishing he was there, if only to hold her hand, to comfort her through the pain.

"He is in the hall, anxiously awaiting the arrival of his child. So, breathe and..."

Elsie bore down again, pushing as hard as she could and she could feel how she was being completely pulled apart and then how her child slid out of her. An angry cry filled the room and she noticed how the nurse took the baby from the doctor, who had quickly cut the cord and gave the child a quick clean before wrapping it in a towel and placing it on Elsie's chest.

"It's a beautiful baby girl, Mrs Carson." The nurse crooned. Elsie took hold of the little bundle and stared into the crying face of her daughter. She stroked her tiny little cheek and marvelled at the perfection of her little nose and eyelashes.

"Now, Mrs Carson, there will be one more contraction, just go with it, don't fight it." The doctor announced it just as Elsie felt it. Something slithered out of her, but she barely registered. Her daughter had taken hold of her finger.

"Hello..." she whispered. "I am your mother..." A tear welled up in her eye and spilled on her cheek. "I've been waiting for you for so long..."

The nurse came over and helped Elsie to let her newborn to her breast. "The sooner the better." The nurse said with a big smile. The doctor was filling out forms. When the baby almost fell asleep, he told the nurse to weigh and measure the baby and then to help Elsie bathe.

When Elsie had changed into a clean nightgown and was wrapped up in cotton, the bed had been given clean sheets and the nurse had settled both Elsie and the baby, then called for Charles and left with the doctor, ready to give their full attention to other patients.

She saw him come in, bashful and scared, but his eyes lit up as she looked up at him and beckoned him. "Come... please..." When he sat in the chair next to the bed, he touched her cheek.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes. Tired and sore and a little confused, but look... Look what we have done..." She peeled away the blanket from the baby's face.

And she saw how their daughter jumped straight into her father's heart.

The baby started to fuss and she did what seemed most logical. She opened her gown and started to feed the baby, clumsily, both of them not used to how it worked and no-one present to help them. The latching on was painful and she wondered if it was something she would get used to.

"Sorry." She apologized to Charles. "She is hungry."

"Well, she has had a difficult journey." He kissed Elsie's hair. "We must name her."

"Kathleen." Elsie said.

"Kathleen Elisabeth." He replied.

They both looked how Kathleen suckled and drifted off to sleep.

"Hello, mum." He grabbed her hand.

"Hello dad."

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**A/N: **There she is: Kathleen Carson, very much wanted by both her parents and all happy and healthy. Thank you so much for staying tuned. Epic love for all of you.


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